My Top Five Favourite Tyson Fury Lies

Following the announcement of Tyson Fury’s next ‘fight’ (if you can call it that, considering his opponent is a man who has less experience in a boxing ring than I do), I thought I would crawl out of my little hater troll cave, put pen to paper, and compile a definitive list of my personal favourite lies to come from of the mouth of the Gypsy King. It is no secret that Tyson’s popularity has fallen off a cliff in recent times, and his constant waffle and non-stop contradictions surely lay testament to this. Apart from Oasis1 and Stig, most of his adoring fans have probably jumped ship by now (that’s an OG boxing Twitter reference that 90% of people won’t understand). There are too many fibs to even count, and so there might be a few fan favourites that fail to make the list; much to my disappointment, I couldn’t even make space for the classic ‘I’ve spoken to Conor McGregor about training together’ debacle. Nonetheless, I think this list may just sum up why people are getting sick and tired of Tyson Fury.

5-Help the Homeless!

Do you remember before Tyson Fury fought Deontay Wilder, when he promised that he would donate the entirety of his earnings to homeless charities, and then never mentioned it again after the fight, and gets incredibly hostile when it’s mentioned in interviews? Yeah, me too. To this day (Deontay Wilder voice), no charity, homeless or otherwise, has ever come forward to say that Tyson Fury donated his purse to them, and Tyson likes to tell people to ‘mind their own business’ whenever he is questioned about whether he followed up on his promise.

 The reason that this whole fiasco has come in so low at just number five, is because I cannot prove with 100% factuality that this is a lie and for legal reasons, I am not accusing Tyson Fury of lying about donating his money to the homeless (even though I am: he’s a massive fucking liar and we all know it). I may be wrong, and it may be the case that Tyson did in fact donate millions of pounds in secret to then never speak of it ever again and actively avoid the topic, but I can’t help but feel like this may not be the case. I have a sneaking suspicion that the only ‘Big Issue’ in Tyson Fury’s life is his woeful personality.

4- Game Changer

Before we were served with the enormously underwhelming announcement of Fury vs Ngannou, we were treated to a number of Instagram posts from Tyson claiming that his next fight was a ‘game changer’. This is all well and good, but in the words of Tupac Shakur, I see no changes. Seriously, in what world would anyone consider this ‘new’ or ‘never seen before’? Crossover boxing is hardly a new concept; need I remind everyone of Muhammad Ali jumping around with that big Japanese wrestler in 1976? Or of Floyd Mayweather fighting Conor McGregor nearly six years ago?

The entire event is a farce and a complete waste of time, and Frank Warren’s embarrassing appearance on TalkSport did very little to change my mind on this. Warren justified the fight by stating that Ngannou is a ‘top level athlete’, but if that is the only criteria required to fight the heavyweight champion of the world, then what next? Tyson Fury vs Andy Murray? Tyson Fury vs Ellie Simmonds? I personally would rather see Fury go up against Usain Bolt in the 100-metre sprint. After all, Tyson has spent the last six months running away from Oleksander Usyk, so it’s not as if he hasn’t had enough practice.

3-American Hero

A couple of years ago, Tyson Fury told IFL TV that he will ‘never box here [the UK] again’. Did Tyson Fury stick to this promise? Have a guess. His last two fights have taken place in England, but in fairness to Tyson, this was not a decision he made himself. Unbeknownst to many people, the Gypsy King is actually banned from the United States right now, much like his cheeky, likeable father John (who is banned because he seriously maimed somebody by gouging their eye out of their head over a bottle of beer). The reason Tyson is banned, however, is because of his links to alleged crime boss and drug cartel kingpin Daniel Kinahan (Daniel if you’re reading, please don’t murder me). Because of this, Tyson has had to crawl back to the United Kingdom with his tail between his legs hoping that we’ve all forgotten what he said (we haven’t). For those of you reading who are concerned about this shocking revelation, you can rest assured that these reported links are complete nonsense! Tyson Fury has nothing to do with Daniel Kinahan or his criminal behaviour, full stop! We know this because Tyson said so, which means it must be true, right?

2-Re(ally)tired

Remember that time Tyson Fury announced his retirement? No, not that time, the other time! No, not that time either, the other other time! Et cetera et cetera. The joke there is that he’s retired loads of times. Ha ha.

In life, there are only a few guarantees: death, taxes, DAZN putting their prices up, and Tyson Fury announcing his retirement and then changing his mind. What makes this constant retirement talk even funnier is the fact that he has also stated several times that he wants to fight non-stop until he’s in his fifties, and go on a world tour fighting somebody different every single month. If Tyson Fury was a sitcom character, I would criticise him for being too dim to be realistic (a bit like that kid with the afro in the last two series of Benidorm), and his continuous contradictions as to whether he wants to fight again or not only drag his reputation further into the realms of ‘are we sure he’s not brain damaged?’.

On a COMPLETELY unrelated note, it’s worth remembering that retired fighters don’t get drugs tested, but I’m sure that this is just a coincidence. An honest man like Tyson Fury would never touch drugs, I’m sure. Apart from that time in 2015 where he tested positive for nandrolone, that time in 2016 when he tested positive for cocaine, and the countless videos since where he is very clearly ALLEGEDLY sniffed off his face. Maybe he’s getting this ALLEGED supply off his ALLEGED friend Daniel? I guess we’ll never know.

Honourable Mention- Telling (Not So) Tall Tales

Tyson Fury is not six foot 9. That’s the end of this segment.

1-Beat the Best to Be the Best

Perhaps the most glaringly obvious of all Tyson Fury’s untruths is the constant rhetoric that he wants to fight the best fighters in his division. For somebody who insists he wants the big legacy fights, he spends an alarming amount of time rolling around in the WWE, fighting novices like Tom Schwarz, and creating imaginary deadlines to make unification negotiations more difficult. Isn’t it a strange coincidence that there were no ’70/30 or the fight is OFF’ or ‘you’re a bum dosser that is rubbish haha you have 17 seconds to sign the contract or I’ll fight Ariel Bracamonte instead’ when it came to Derek Chisora or Francis Ngannou? Those fights seemed suspiciously easy to make, but when it comes to the likes of Usyk and Joshua, Fury suddenly becomes a full time Instagram influencer obsessively uploading videos that are almost as annoying as his angry, sweaty dad.

Tyson Fury has never had a six pack, and I have always assumed that he was just naturally built to carry slightly more fat than his heavyweight counterparts. What I’m starting to think now though, is that Tyson Fury’s big belly could instead be a result of years and years of porky pies.